a "good news" post about depression

I don't get much time to sit and blog with two rambunctious boys but they are both asleep and Alex is working late so I  can sit down and relax.

I decided to open up about my struggle with Postpartum depression after Lucas was born kind of as a journal entry for myself, so here goes...

I struggled with depression when I was in High School and College, and also with my pregnancy with Max. I would just go through cycles where I felt extremely low and couldn't get out of the clouds or find the energy to be productive. I always would come out of it after a day or two, and be back to my happy self. It was something that I never got treated for. I got tested in High School but the doctor said I had more of an anxiety issue then depression. I felt like I could handle it on my own and never got medicated for it.

I grew up surrounded by a hard work ethic and felt like the times I had depression I just needed to focus less on myself and get back to "work" with school, work, soccer, ect.

When I was pregnant with Max I experienced some intense lows that were not normal for me but just decided it had to be the pregnancy hormones and after Max was born I remember feeling a lot happier then usual.

Lucas' pregnancy was different then Max's I felt pretty good most the time and it went pretty smooth. We were in between moving and living with my brother so i just attributed the extra stress to the changing circumstances and just excused my feelings as a "hormonal pregnant woman".

After Lucas was born I was really sore and just didn't feel like myself. I felt tired all the time but decided it had to be from waking up with a baby and taking care of a 2 1/2 year old all day. If I ever got a chance to sleep I would take it, but I had an awful time falling asleep at night. I remember talking to my doctor at my postpartum check up and telling him I was tired all the time and didn't feel like myself but he just said that probably comes with the load of having two young children, but to call if I didn't start feeling better. I have a hard time opening up about that kind of thing so I never did call back even though I didn't start feeling better.

As much as I tried to exercise and get into a good routine I still just couldn't get out of the clouds and I felt really low. I knew I loved my boys but felt so overwhelmed with how much they needed me all day. I read uplifting books, prayed often, exercised, did everything I possibly knew how to do to increase my energy level and spirits but still just had this constant sadness. I started to feel like I just couldn't handle it and started feeling guilt for feeling sad when I had been blessed so much. It finally got to the point where I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt so tired no matter how much sleep I got, and the thought of the daily duties was so overwhelming. I would cry for no reason, and just sleep as much as I could. I literally just didn't feel well. I tried talking to Alex about it but he didn't really understand. I talked to my sister about it and she would tell me to call the doctor and I always said I would, but just felt too dumb to actually do it.

I didn't understand depression. I thought by saying I had depression then people would look at me different or think of me as this sad weak person and I didn't feel like I was that person and didn't want that label, or to feel like I  have to have "help". I tried so hard to do it on my own.

Finally it got to the point where I just didn't feel like I could do it on my own anymore. I wasn't functioning at all really. So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed  for help.

In General Conference Elder Jeffery R. Holland gave a talk called  "Like a broken Vessel" http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

And that is when I knew, I needed to stop trying to do it on my own. That there is help available, I just had to be humble enough, and willing enough to get it. and so I did. I went to the doctor and told him I have done everything I possibly know how to do to be healthy, increase my energy level, and lift my mood,  but still was not able to come out of the clouds. He talked to me about the different options and prescribed me with an antidepressant/ anti-anxiety medication. I picked it up that same day.

It makes me tear up thinking about how different I feel now. What an answer to my prayer!  Oh how I wish I would have been humble enough a lot sooner in life to reach out for help. I am so thankful for modern medicine. I am so thankful for that General Conference talk and for the realization that its ok to ask for help. The Lord doesn't expect us to do it on our own. He expects and hopes that we rely on him everyday.

I liked how in the talk he described depression or other mental illnesses like an appendicitis, and how as many priesthood blessings you are given, or prayers you say, It is still very wise to get help from a doctor.

My thinking about depression has changed so much. I am no longer embarrassed by it or feel like it is some awful thing about me. It just is what it is. I am getting treated for it, and I feel amazing and so happy about life. It doesn't mean I don't still struggle from time to time, I think I always will, but I feel closer to the Lord then ever before as I have humbled myself and accepted myself enough AS I AM. I have began to care less about what others think but focus more on the love the Lord has for me as his child. I know my worth more then ever! I am so grateful for the atoning sacrifice of the Savior! I am so thankful for my medication and so thankful for this positive change in my life and the life of my family.

I feel like it relates to a lot of things in life. If we humble ourselves enough to admit that we can't do it on our own. That we constantly need to rely on the Lord each moment, and submit to do his will, then we are truly strengthened and can do so much more then we ever thought was possible. I can honestly say I am thankful for this experience in my life because it has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. Hopefully down the road I can help others who are struggling or who have struggled with something similar. I now understand and have compassion for others who are struggling and want to help.

So this is my story. It feels good to get it out there.

xoxo